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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything” assignment he is required to hand in during art class tomorrow, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “While we appreciate Jeffrey’s contributions to the project, his repeated rejections of outside input have unfortunately made it necessary for us to step in and institute some controls,” the 9-year-old’s mother, Bethany, said while sprinkling glitter on a freshly poured line of glue. “In the end, we felt that taking him off the project was the only way to salvage the hard work of everyone involved, including those of us who have funded this venture. He is, of course, a talented artist, and we hope to work with him again sometime in the future.” Jeffrey’s parents added that his name will still appear on the finished product and that his creative input will continue to be welcomed in a consulting capacity.

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