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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Parents Seize Creative Control Of 3rd-Grade Art Project

PHILADELPHIA—Following a series of creative disputes, third-grade student Jeffrey Milner has been removed from day-to-day control of the “What I Want More Than Anything” assignment he is required to hand in during art class tomorrow, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “While we appreciate Jeffrey’s contributions to the project, his repeated rejections of outside input have unfortunately made it necessary for us to step in and institute some controls,” the 9-year-old’s mother, Bethany, said while sprinkling glitter on a freshly poured line of glue. “In the end, we felt that taking him off the project was the only way to salvage the hard work of everyone involved, including those of us who have funded this venture. He is, of course, a talented artist, and we hope to work with him again sometime in the future.” Jeffrey’s parents added that his name will still appear on the finished product and that his creative input will continue to be welcomed in a consulting capacity.

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