After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Parents Surprised Cruel Teen Daughter Hasn’t Pushed Classmate To Breaking Point Yet

RED BANK, NJ—Citing her relentless harassment of her peers, as well as her overall cruel and abrasive personality, the parents of local teen Lauren Hatcher expressed surprise Monday that the remorseless 15-year-old has yet to push a classmate past their breaking point. “Given our daughter’s apparent desire to make others feel inferior, combined with our reluctance to confront her on such behavior, we really figured she’d have driven one of these kids off the edge by now,” said Lauren’s father, Jim Hatcher, noting that the merciless teenager, who has on multiple occasions brought her mother to tears, is adept at spreading false rumors and exploiting other people’s insecurities. “She spends hours every day on Snapchat and other social apps—which we have no idea how to use or monitor—so we sort of assumed that by the middle of the school year or so, she would’ve written enough vicious, hate-filled messages to completely destroy at least one of her peers. But it’s April now and somehow we still haven’t gotten a call from the school principal saying she drove another kid to have a breakdown.” At press time, the parents of several of the teen’s classmates were marveling that their daughters were still hanging in there after the latest series of texts from the Hatcher girl.

After Birth

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