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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Parents Trying To Gauge If Son Complete Idiot Before Deciding Whether To Move To Better School District

AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district. “We don’t want to make any rash moves right away, so we’re going to wait to see if Ethan’s too stupid to actually benefit from better educational resources and a higher teacher-to-student ratio before we start looking at pricier real estate over in Briarcliff or Lakeway,” said Lisa Weiss, who added that she and her husband don’t want to go through the hassle of selling their current house, moving into a smaller and more heavily taxed property, and building an entirely new network of friends in a town they’re not familiar with if their boy is just going to end up being a simple-minded dolt anyway. “It’s not that we don’t want the best for him, we just don’t know if he’s going to be helplessly dumb, in which case his current school district is totally fine. It’s just really hard to tell right now if he’s a moron or not—he definitely likes story time and is curious about how things work, which is encouraging, but he also sucks on his shirtsleeve all the time. So we’re going to give it a few more months and make a decision then.” Weiss emphasized that while they deeply hoped their son turned out smart, they wouldn’t mind staying in their affordable neighborhood and pocketing the extra disposable income should their son prove to be a huge dingus.

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