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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take. “Jeez, what’s wrong with her? She hasn’t said one thing about how she doesn’t like the violin or how she hates having to practice her scales every day—what a little pushover,” said Olivia’s mother, Nicole Edison, 41, lamenting the fact that her cowardly daughter has yet to mutter an aggravated comment under her breath or roll her eyes at her parents even once despite a demanding schedule of weekend classes and out-of-town recitals that would elicit considerable resistance from a less gutless child. “We made her rehearse for two hours yesterday, and she just sat there taking it without even a sigh of annoyance. She needs to grow a goddamn backbone and ask to go play with her friends once in a while, for Christ’s sake. It’s pathetic.” Olivia’s mother then shook her head and added that if her daughter wasn’t able to confront her parents now about the violin, she was never going to be brave enough to mount even a tepid protest when they eventually push her into majoring in pre-med.

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