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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take. “Jeez, what’s wrong with her? She hasn’t said one thing about how she doesn’t like the violin or how she hates having to practice her scales every day—what a little pushover,” said Olivia’s mother, Nicole Edison, 41, lamenting the fact that her cowardly daughter has yet to mutter an aggravated comment under her breath or roll her eyes at her parents even once despite a demanding schedule of weekend classes and out-of-town recitals that would elicit considerable resistance from a less gutless child. “We made her rehearse for two hours yesterday, and she just sat there taking it without even a sigh of annoyance. She needs to grow a goddamn backbone and ask to go play with her friends once in a while, for Christ’s sake. It’s pathetic.” Olivia’s mother then shook her head and added that if her daughter wasn’t able to confront her parents now about the violin, she was never going to be brave enough to mount even a tepid protest when they eventually push her into majoring in pre-med.

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