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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Parents Wish Weak-Willed Daughter Would Push Back Against Violin Lessons Just A Little

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take. “Jeez, what’s wrong with her? She hasn’t said one thing about how she doesn’t like the violin or how she hates having to practice her scales every day—what a little pushover,” said Olivia’s mother, Nicole Edison, 41, lamenting the fact that her cowardly daughter has yet to mutter an aggravated comment under her breath or roll her eyes at her parents even once despite a demanding schedule of weekend classes and out-of-town recitals that would elicit considerable resistance from a less gutless child. “We made her rehearse for two hours yesterday, and she just sat there taking it without even a sigh of annoyance. She needs to grow a goddamn backbone and ask to go play with her friends once in a while, for Christ’s sake. It’s pathetic.” Olivia’s mother then shook her head and added that if her daughter wasn’t able to confront her parents now about the violin, she was never going to be brave enough to mount even a tepid protest when they eventually push her into majoring in pre-med.

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