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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Parking Lot Attendant Seemingly Unaware New Day A Gift From God

BOSTON—Apparently blind to the beautiful and sacred gift of life that is handed to him every morning, 58-year-old parking lot attendant Donald Wright is reportedly unaware that each new day is a precious miracle delivered to him by the Lord above, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Does this man not know that to wake up each morning on God’s green earth and go to work is nothing short of a glorious blessing?” local Kim Claremont said of the man who spends eight hours a day in a toll booth waiting for customers to hand over their parking fee. “Why, he’s healthy, he’s got a job, he’s just about the luckiest fella on earth and he can’t even see it! He must not realize that this day is a wondrous joy that should be embraced with a full and happy heart. Why wouldn’t he realize that?” Sources further confirmed the minimum-wage employee should smile more; that might do the trick.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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