adBlockCheck

Parking-Ramp Attendant Knows All The Best Spaces

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Parking-Ramp Attendant Knows All The Best Spaces

MILWAUKEE—The average customer at the Water Street parking ramp has probably not taken notice of Brian Haemker. They've passed by him day in and day out, likely assuming he is just another parking-lot attendant. But in reality, he is much more.

Haemker, who says he knows the Water Street parking ramp "like the back of his hand."

Haemker has spent the past six years gathering the secrets of every nook and cranny of the Water Street parking ramp, amassing a treasure trove of privileged information.

"There's a whole row on Level 4 that's almost untouched," said Haemker from his tiny booth. "That's because it's on the opposite end of the elevator. But there's a pedestrian walkway just a few steps ahead that gets you across and over pretty conveniently. Plus, there's a Coke machine right there."

"A lot of people don't consider that," Haemker added.

Haemker said drivers often overlook the ramp's basement level.

"I see it every day: People just start up that ramp without thinking," Haemker said. "Meanwhile, a third of the basement sits open. And it's the warmest spot in the winter."

Haemker said Level 6 has some "amazing" parking spaces, explaining that "the extra effort to get there is well worth it."

"Level 6 is seen by parkers as a last resort," Haemker said. "That's ironic, because it's where the best three spaces in the whole garage are."

Asked about the ramp's worst spaces, Haemker singled out those on the first floor, closest to the ticket booths, and a space on Level 5 that sits on the end, next to the traffic lane.

"Your fender is basically guaranteed to get dented there," he said.

Haemker says the most irritating drivers are the ones who park in the ramp for the entire workday, yet don't take advantage of the lower prices for customers who arrive before 8:00 a.m.

"Man, I wish I had the spare four bucks a day to park whenever I want," Haemker said. "Of course, these guys probably get reimbursed by their jobs for parking. Must be nice."

Haemker said he's happy to point drivers toward good spots, but no one ever asks.

"People just park wherever they can find a space, which seems to me just absolutely crazy," Haemker said.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close