adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Parking-Ramp Attendant Moves Slightly

HOUSTON—Parking-ramp attendant Bill Butler was detected making a slight movement Monday, sending shockwaves through the paid-parking industry. "He was sitting in his little booth, inert as usual, when his head turned about two degrees to the right," witness Lydia Ford said. "I thought I was seeing things, but then, about 30 seconds later, he shifted a tiny bit in his seat." Monday's incident is the first reported case of parking-attendant motion since 1983, when a San Diego ticket collector scratched his cheek.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close