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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Parody Movie Script One Crotch-Hitting Joke Short Of Being Greenlit

LOS ANGELES—The script for Epic Movie 2: Epicer Movie is, according to writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, only one crotch-hitting joke short of going into production. "Twenty-three times throughout the film, a crotch is kicked, punched, raked, shoveled, bitten, or hit with either a baseball bat, tennis racket, or nunchucks, but 20th Century Fox keeps invoking Hollywood's 'rule of 24,'" said Friedberg. "In their opinion, the film could use a second crotch-hitting joke right at the beginning to really set the tone. Aaron and I feel strongly that 23 crotch jokes is enough, and 24 would be overdoing it. But that's not to say we wouldn't be willing to compromise with the studio if necessary to bring our creative vision to the screen." A studio source confirmed that the "near-perfect" script already has the correct number of bodily fluids being consumed by an unsuspecting character (seven), allusions to black culture (168), and potential laugh-out-loud moments (one).

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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