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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology

JOLIET, IL—The men and women of the Illinois state parole board responded to carefully calculated claims of remorselessness and probable recidivism by Clyde "Murda Dawg" King by granting him parole Tuesday, after King's "textbook" use of reverse psychology, sources said. "I told those chump-ass chumps [on the parole board] that if I ever got out, I'd just score more crack and bust more fools' grills and slice up more bitches," King said shortly after his release. "But they said, 'Your tough-guy act don't scare us, Mr. Big Talk. You're better than that and you know it.'" King said that, despite one stabbing incident involving a prison guard, his seven-year term was uneventful, largely due to his repeated claims that he hated cigarettes, did not have a zip-gun stashed in his bunk, and loved sodomy.

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