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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology

JOLIET, IL—The men and women of the Illinois state parole board responded to carefully calculated claims of remorselessness and probable recidivism by Clyde "Murda Dawg" King by granting him parole Tuesday, after King's "textbook" use of reverse psychology, sources said. "I told those chump-ass chumps [on the parole board] that if I ever got out, I'd just score more crack and bust more fools' grills and slice up more bitches," King said shortly after his release. "But they said, 'Your tough-guy act don't scare us, Mr. Big Talk. You're better than that and you know it.'" King said that, despite one stabbing incident involving a prison guard, his seven-year term was uneventful, largely due to his repeated claims that he hated cigarettes, did not have a zip-gun stashed in his bunk, and loved sodomy.

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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