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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Parole Board Swayed By Reverse Psychology

JOLIET, IL—The men and women of the Illinois state parole board responded to carefully calculated claims of remorselessness and probable recidivism by Clyde "Murda Dawg" King by granting him parole Tuesday, after King's "textbook" use of reverse psychology, sources said. "I told those chump-ass chumps [on the parole board] that if I ever got out, I'd just score more crack and bust more fools' grills and slice up more bitches," King said shortly after his release. "But they said, 'Your tough-guy act don't scare us, Mr. Big Talk. You're better than that and you know it.'" King said that, despite one stabbing incident involving a prison guard, his seven-year term was uneventful, largely due to his repeated claims that he hated cigarettes, did not have a zip-gun stashed in his bunk, and loved sodomy.

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