Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back

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Vol 41 Issue 20

Local Man Pushed Well Within Limits Of Human Endurance

DURHAM, NC—In the face of reasonable odds, Louis Collins, 27, endured a challenge Monday that tested, but did not by any means exceed, his ability to persevere. "The line at the DMV was really long, and I had a lunch meeting at noon," said Collins, recounting the inconvenient event that ultimately did no lasting damage. "Then I realized that I still needed to fill out a form, but I didn't have a pen. If I had left the line to use a pen at the counter, I would have had to start all over. Thank goodness someone in line lent me one." In spite of the unremarkable series of obstacles, Collins still arrived at lunch on time.

Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night

LANCASTER, PA—Much to his family's indifference, 44-year-old father of two Bradley Kochner said he enjoyed an interesting show about Bigfoot on the Discovery Channel last night. "They had some neat footage that was shot in Oregon," said Kochner at the dinner table, describing the one-hour Legends Of Sasquatch special, in a desperate attempt to reach bored sons Joel, 13, and Kyle, 11. "If they show it again, I'll tape it. Maybe we can watch it together. Right, guys?" Kochner's wife Laura said her husband has similarly tried to engage his children in discussions about submarines, UFOs, and Pompeii.

Author Dismayed By Amazon Customers' Other Purchases

MONTREAL—Yann Martel, author of the Booker Prize-winning Life Of Pi, said he was distraught to see what other books Amazon.com customers bought in addition to his. "Customers who bought this book also bought The Five People You Meet In Heaven?!" Martel read from his computer screen Monday. "And The Rule Of Four? Really?!" Martel was also surprised by the "sloppy writing" in many of Life Of Pi's five-star customer reviews.

WTO May Accept Russia

If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think?

Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

Not that anyone asked you, but if you were designing the world's biggest jetliner, you would've put some sort of flat surface under the passenger cabin, for people to stand on.

Celebrity Commencement Speeches

A growing number of American colleges are enlisting celebrities to deliver speeches at their commencement ceremonies. What are some of this year's highlights?

Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron

Hello, sweetie! I didn't expect you home so early. Here, hand me your backpack. Ooh, heavy! So, how was your week? Well, I'm glad. College is sure fun, isn't it? Yes, it is! So, what did you learn today? Well, imagine that. You don't say? Yes, yes. Uh-huh. Yes, sweetie, Mommy's heard of Gil Scott-Heron. Have a piece of fruit instead, honey, that cake is for dessert tonight.
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Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back

BLYTHE, CA—Former Chuckawalla Valley State Prison inmate Jake Allen Dupree, 42, who completed a 20-year sentence for armed robbery last Friday, said he is excited to hear that '80s styles are experiencing a resurgence in popularity. "When the guard handed me my stuff, he said my acid-wash jeans, Kangaroos sneakers, and bright teal T-shirt looked really cool," Dupree said. "It's great that I won't have to buy a new wardrobe." Dupree added that he was happy to hear that Miami Vice was recently re-released, so he can find out what happened to Crockett and Tubbs.

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