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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says

DALLAS—Members of the jury convened for the case of Texas v. Guillermo admitted Friday they were distracted from the closing arguments of Dallas assistant district attorney Paul Hagsbury after noticing a faded bar stamp on the back of his left hand. “He was saying something about evidence definitively linking the defendant to drug trafficking, but every time he made a hand gesture, all I could do was look at that ink stamp,” said juror Margaret Sanders, adding that she could have sworn she saw Hagsbury idly brushing glitter out of his hair on his way into the court room. “The logo looks really familiar. It’s definitely from someplace I’ve been before. Maybe it’s Lucky Mabel’s? I think they have Mega Mug-a-Rita Night on Thursdays over there.” That afternoon, sequestered and attempting to reach a verdict, the jurors reportedly spent nearly an hour in deliberations over whether the prosecutor was in fact wearing the same suit he had on the day before.

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