adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says

DALLAS—Members of the jury convened for the case of Texas v. Guillermo admitted Friday they were distracted from the closing arguments of Dallas assistant district attorney Paul Hagsbury after noticing a faded bar stamp on the back of his left hand. “He was saying something about evidence definitively linking the defendant to drug trafficking, but every time he made a hand gesture, all I could do was look at that ink stamp,” said juror Margaret Sanders, adding that she could have sworn she saw Hagsbury idly brushing glitter out of his hair on his way into the court room. “The logo looks really familiar. It’s definitely from someplace I’ve been before. Maybe it’s Lucky Mabel’s? I think they have Mega Mug-a-Rita Night on Thursdays over there.” That afternoon, sequestered and attempting to reach a verdict, the jurors reportedly spent nearly an hour in deliberations over whether the prosecutor was in fact wearing the same suit he had on the day before.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close