adBlockCheck

Recent News

Report: You Have Won!

Head To TheOnion.com To Redeem Your Winnings

WINNER’S CIRCLE—Sources are reporting that you, valued Onion reader, have won!
End Of Section
  • More News

Partially Faded Hand Stamp Undermining Everything Prosecutor Says

DALLAS—Members of the jury convened for the case of Texas v. Guillermo admitted Friday they were distracted from the closing arguments of Dallas assistant district attorney Paul Hagsbury after noticing a faded bar stamp on the back of his left hand. “He was saying something about evidence definitively linking the defendant to drug trafficking, but every time he made a hand gesture, all I could do was look at that ink stamp,” said juror Margaret Sanders, adding that she could have sworn she saw Hagsbury idly brushing glitter out of his hair on his way into the court room. “The logo looks really familiar. It’s definitely from someplace I’ve been before. Maybe it’s Lucky Mabel’s? I think they have Mega Mug-a-Rita Night on Thursdays over there.” That afternoon, sequestered and attempting to reach a verdict, the jurors reportedly spent nearly an hour in deliberations over whether the prosecutor was in fact wearing the same suit he had on the day before.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close