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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Partisan Differences Set Aside For Congress’ Annual Erotic Masquerade Ball

Erotic masquerade participants say that surrendering their bodies to their congressional colleagues’ most perverse desires helps foster respect across party lines.
Erotic masquerade participants say that surrendering their bodies to their congressional colleagues’ most perverse desires helps foster respect across party lines.

WASHINGTON—Carrying on a longstanding tradition in which Republicans and Democrats come together, disrobe, and engage in a night of unbridled lust, all 535 members of the U.S. Congress reportedly set aside partisan differences Wednesday for their annual erotic masquerade ball.

Senators and representatives said the hours-long celebration of carnal pleasure—customarily held in a candlelit, velvet-draped Capitol Rotunda where organ music plays and nude congressional aides distribute chalices of wine—gives them an opportunity to dispense with their political disputes for a night, don identity-obscuring feathered masks, and engage in all manner of lascivious acts.

“Having this orgy every year is a great way to help us remember that, deep down, each of us shares the same primal urges,” said Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-TX), who stood clad in nothing but an elaborate Venetian mask and a leather crotchless thong as hundreds of naked lawmakers around him moaned, writhed, and thrusted upon ornate divans and sumptuous cushions arrayed on the rotunda’s polished stone floor. “I think we all look forward to putting on a cape or a corset or a harness and having one night to simply indulge in our colleagues’ flesh.”

“The great Robert Byrd introduced this ritual more than half a century ago,” the 65-year-old, three-term senator continued. “He realized that, liberal or conservative, Eros possesses us all.”

Sources on Capitol Hill said the erotic ball commenced when master of ceremonies Paul Ryan (R-WI), who held a candelabra and wore a tight-fitting Victorian waistcoat over his shirtless torso, announced that “the spell has been cast” and beckoned lawmakers to “heed the call of lechery.” A line of bound and blindfolded freshman senators then reportedly knelt down before John Trumbull’s circa 1818 painting Declaration Of Independence, chanted “Deus, patriam, et libidinem,” and began orally servicing senior senators belonging to the rival political party.

Witnesses confirmed, however, that one unidentified senator, a large flap of neck skin hanging loose beneath his zippered leather hood, merely observed and self-stimulated from off to the side, reportedly continuing to do so for the duration of the evening.

“This is an act of renewal and celebration—a chance to get to know our fellow lawmakers better through purifying acts of debauchery,” said Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-MI), mere feet from where Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) clutched the legs of the marble statue of President James Garfield as a frenzied Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK), wearing a glittering silver bandit’s mask, penetrated her from behind. “At this ball, we don’t argue about health care or taxes, and there are no Democrats or Republicans. There are only the unrepentant children of sin.”

A woman wearing only a large, alabaster-white mask with a pronounced stork-like beak, identified by several in attendance as Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), was later observed with her back propped against the base of the woman’s suffrage monument as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) and Sen. Deb Fischer (R-NE) simultaneously sucked on her breasts and took turns furiously masturbating her with their fingers.

According to subsequent reports, Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS), 81, stripped off his mask, draped himself over a chaise longue, and screamed in ecstasy as Rep. Diana DeGette (D-CO), 60, dripped hot wax over his nipples, stomach, and genitals.

“We have come to devour forbidden fruits together in a bacchanalia of depraved delight!” said a red-cloaked figure who displayed only his erect penis but was believed to be 83-year-old Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT). “We are the obscene, we are the reborn, we are the truly free. We are Americans.”

At press time, the legislators had hastily abandoned the orgy in disgust after the House sergeant-at-arms, obliging the Texas senator’s request, began plunging his eagle-topped ceremonial mace in and out of Ted Cruz’s asshole.

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