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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Party Guest Hoping Birthday Card With Shirtless Hunk Taken In Playful Spirit With Which It Was Intended

ALBANY, NY—Second-guessing the purchase as she arrived at her friend’s birthday party Friday, area woman Kelly Hardin told reporters she hoped her humorous card featuring a shirtless hunk would be received by Amanda Riordan in the fun, lighthearted spirit with which it was intended. “The image is a bit risqué, what with the man showing off his bare abs and all, so hopefully she’ll understand the suggestive nature of the card was meant as a joke and its sole purpose was to amuse,” said Hardin, adding that, by presenting the image of a tanned, muscular stud wearing nothing but tight jeans and a cowboy hat and wishing the recipient a “very sexy birthday,” she in no way sought to imply that Riordan was presently in need of sexual gratification or excessively libidinous in nature. “She probably won’t be offended and will instead see the ridiculous photo of this buff, hunky guy and just laugh, or at least smile. Of course, even if she isn’t insulted outright, she may question whether it was a tasteful way for me to convey my birthday wishes. I’d really hate for something like this to cause damage to our friendship.” At press time, Hardin could be seen apologizing profusely to Riordan for having made such a serious and inappropriate transgression.


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