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Partygoer Gets Thoughtful

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Partygoer Gets Thoughtful

LAFAYETTE, LA—At approximately 11:20 P.M. Friday night, the festive attitude of local partygoer Nathan Daniels, 34, suddenly gave way to a more thoughtful and introspective mood, witnesses reported. "One moment Nate was pouring everyone shots of Wild Turkey, and the next he got real serious and started talking about Shannon," said longtime friend Michael Driscol, who also listened as Daniels discussed his "shitty-ass job," the fact that it was 2011 already, and how one day he thinks he'll be a good father. "I guess he had a lot on his mind, because he was having these really reflective conversations with different people for like an hour." At press time, Daniels insiders confirmed the cheerful-turned-sentimental man had once again shifted moods and begun smashing beer bottles with a two-by-four.

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