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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around

EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons unzipped a bag of shredded lettuce, expertly licked the edges of two tortillas, and rolled a couple of fat burritos to pass around. “Yo, sprinkle some cheese on that fatty and pass it this way,” Lyons said before opening his mouth sharply and taking a long pull of pork. “Whoa, I got way too much that time. This one’s totally cashed. Looks like we’ll have to pack another bowl of meat and cheese.” Lyons reportedly told partygoers that if a neighbor smells refried beans and calls the police, they should quickly stomp out the burrito and kick it under the couch.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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