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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around

EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons unzipped a bag of shredded lettuce, expertly licked the edges of two tortillas, and rolled a couple of fat burritos to pass around. “Yo, sprinkle some cheese on that fatty and pass it this way,” Lyons said before opening his mouth sharply and taking a long pull of pork. “Whoa, I got way too much that time. This one’s totally cashed. Looks like we’ll have to pack another bowl of meat and cheese.” Lyons reportedly told partygoers that if a neighbor smells refried beans and calls the police, they should quickly stomp out the burrito and kick it under the couch.

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