adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Insisting that calling the liquor store for assistance is "totally unnecessary," University of Virginia sophomore and house-party attendee Josh Pelham heroically vowed to fix a broken keg himself Monday. "Everybody, just have the MGDs in the fridge for now–I'll figure this out quick," said Pelham, standing over the far-from-tapped keg. "My brother did this once with, like, a wrench. Is there a wrench around?" Over the course of the next hour, Pelham went on to request a coat hanger, kitchen knife, and crowbar.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close