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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Partygoer Vows To Fix Keg

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Insisting that calling the liquor store for assistance is "totally unnecessary," University of Virginia sophomore and house-party attendee Josh Pelham heroically vowed to fix a broken keg himself Monday. "Everybody, just have the MGDs in the fridge for now–I'll figure this out quick," said Pelham, standing over the far-from-tapped keg. "My brother did this once with, like, a wrench. Is there a wrench around?" Over the course of the next hour, Pelham went on to request a coat hanger, kitchen knife, and crowbar.

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