Partygoers Mocked By Catering Staff

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Vol 37 Issue 46

Boyfriend Ceremoniously Dumped

ELLENSBURG, WA—In a gala breakup featuring the town mayor and the Ellensburg High School marching band, Chris Schiffman was ceremoniously dumped Sunday by Vicki Arness, his girlfriend of three years. "Ladies and gentlemen of Ellensburg, let the word go forth from this day that Vicki and Chris are no longer an item!" Mayor Robert Todd announced before 3,000 cheering attendees. "Vicki has let it be known that she wishes to see other people, and see other people she shall!" The scissors-wielding mayor then officially declared the couple broken up by cutting an oversized photo of them in half.

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ROCHESTER, MN—Steve Jaskoviak, president of the National Board of Steve Jaskoviak, lobbied Congress for an unprecedented $10 billion bailout package Monday. "In order to continue providing Americans with a full range of Steve Jaskoviak-related services, it is crucial that I receive this aid," Jaskoviak told Congress. "This relief package will not only will cover my $5,612 Visa debt, but numerous administrative costs, as well."

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As a marketing executive who does a fair amount of business traveling, I've had the chance to visit a lot of markets. New York, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles—they're all great markets, each with their own unique attractions and attributes. But for my money, there's no market quite like San Francisco.

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Art Major To Stop Capitalizing Name

COLUMBUS, OH—Michael Wechsler, 19, an Ohio State University art major, announced Monday that he is changing his name to "michael wechsler." "Isn't that so much cooler?" Wechsler said to fellow art major Ethan Reed. "The whole capital-letter thing has always bothered me. It's just a stupid rule that everyone else seems to think they have to follow." Wechsler is also considering changing the spelling of his first name to "mychal."

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Partygoers Mocked By Catering Staff

MARIETTA, GA—Unbeknownst to attendees of Susan and Mel Gullicksen's holiday party Saturday, the Feather & Fennel Catering staff spent most of the evening mocking partygoers behind their backs.

Feather & Fennel staffers laugh at a partygoer's lime-green dress.

"Matt, you have got to see the sow in the powder-blue chiffon jumpsuit," said Feather & Fennel server Christine Salerno, 23, whispering to coworker Matt Blaine. "She looks like Brian Dennehy in drag, only less feminine."

Blaine then rushed a tray of miniature quiches into the living room to get an eyeful of the unattractive guest.

The party, held in the Gullicksens' spacious suburban Atlanta home, was attended by nearly 100 friends of the upper-class couple. The caterers were hired to set up the buffet, serve appetizers and entrees to guests, and break down the food area at the party's conclusion. All surreptitious, catty remarks about the Gullicksens and their friends were added free of charge.

"I've seen not one but two different people wearing pastel sweaters knotted around their necks," said Blaine, 20, during a cigarette break outside. "I think we accidentally stepped into a time machine set for Dipwadville, 1984."

Though no guest was spared, the caterers reserved their greatest scorn for "Jumpsuit Woman," "Chivas-and-7-Up Guy," and "Golfman," a fiftysomething gentleman with a bad combover who, Blaine said, "would not fucking shut up about golf."

Another guest was dubbed "The Vegetarian Avenger" because of his repeated complaints to the catering staff about the evening's lack of vegetarian options.

"He's at a friggin' Christmas party," Salerno said. "What does he expect, endless trays of bulghur burgers?"

According to Feather & Fennel staffers, a majority of the mockery was done covertly, with wisecracks delivered either in hushed tones or in the kitchen, safely out of earshot of partygoers. Caterers alerted each other to the presence of particularly ridicule-worthy individuals with subtle glances or quick jabs to the ribs.

But despite such discretion, on a handful of occasions, the caterers boldly insulted guests to their faces without them even noticing.

"One guy asked me if the roast beef we were serving was kosher," said Ron Essen, 22, whose sole job all evening was to carve slabs of meat for guests. "With a straight face, I told him it was a kosher roast beef flown in specially from Israel. Cynthia, one of the runners, overheard me and ran into the kitchen because she thought she was gonna lose it."

Another guest who received more than his fair share of furtive derision was "Five-Time Fatty," a heavily sweating man who returned to the buffet table five times in a half-hour span.

"The last time Five-Time Fatty loaded up his plate, I could see Matt making all these faces at me from across the room," said Salerno, who manned the buffet table's ziti station for much of the party. "But Five-Time was trying to chat me up, so I couldn't laugh. I knew Matt was praying that I'd bust up right in front of the guy."

While, traditionally, most partygoer-mocking is done during a party itself, Feather & Fennel staffers have been known to mock particularly memorable guests weeks or even months after an event.

"One guy at a bar mitzvah got so shitfaced, he passed out in a plate of kugel," Blaine said. "Ever since, whenever we see somebody who looks like he's about to pass out, we say, 'Uh-oh, better hide the kugel.' Man, that guy was seriously plowed."

Experts say mockery of the well-to-do by the serving class is a millennia-old tradition.

"Whenever people are forced to serve others, resentment and derision are inevitable," said Dr. Henry Janssen, a University of Georgia anthropologist. "This tradition dates back to Ancient Greece, where servants at grand Athenian feasts would sneak into the kitchen to put on short plays lampooning the foibles of their wealthy, gluttonous guests. As long as there are people who stuff their faces with mini-meatballs while wearing bad ties, there will be servers there to make fun of them."

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