Passage Of Health Care Reform Brings Democrat-Republican Score To 317,622-318,047

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Vol 46 Issue 16

Adam Wainwright Annoying Entire Ballpark By Announcing Pitch Count Out Loud

ST. LOUIS—Despite a stellar complete-game effort against the Mets Sunday, Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright managed to irritate every player, coach, member of the media, and spectator in the ballpark by shouting out his pitch count every single time he threw the ball. "One," Wainwright said after his first pitch, just seconds before acknowledging his second by shouting.
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Passage Of Health Care Reform Brings Democrat-Republican Score To 317,622-318,047

WASHINGTON—With their legislative victory on health care last month, Democrats narrowed by one point the gap in their 150-year-long competition with Republicans, bringing the current score between the rival political parties to 317,622-318,047. "The Republicans had a really strong first half, racking up points with their opposition to slavery and extension of citizenship to Native Americans," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said at a press conference Monday. "We caught up in the '30s and '60s with the New Deal and civil rights, then they blew it wide open from 1980 on. But now we're back in striking distance. Just 400 more political points to go." Anonymous Republican sources told reporters they were planning to bounce back next week by naming another building after Ronald Reagan.

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