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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before

SALT LAKE CITY—When asked if he needed any special instructions for the safety hatch’s use, airline passenger Jeffrey Evars reportedly assured a Delta flight attendant Wednesday that he had both sat in exit rows and opened emergency exit doors many, many times before. “Yeah, yeah, I open these all the time—don’t worry about it,” Evars reportedly told the flight attendant, waving her away as he explained that he cracks open the sealed evacuation doors on nearly every plane trip he takes. “Trust me, I’m an old pro at this. You just crank the lever down and twist it a few times. It’s easy. Here, look, I’ll pop this one open now.” At press time, Evars had opened the emergency exit, deployed the inflatable slide, and left the plane.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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