adBlockCheck

Local

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before

SALT LAKE CITY—When asked if he needed any special instructions for the safety hatch’s use, airline passenger Jeffrey Evars reportedly assured a Delta flight attendant Wednesday that he had both sat in exit rows and opened emergency exit doors many, many times before. “Yeah, yeah, I open these all the time—don’t worry about it,” Evars reportedly told the flight attendant, waving her away as he explained that he cracks open the sealed evacuation doors on nearly every plane trip he takes. “Trust me, I’m an old pro at this. You just crank the lever down and twist it a few times. It’s easy. Here, look, I’ll pop this one open now.” At press time, Evars had opened the emergency exit, deployed the inflatable slide, and left the plane.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close