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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before

SALT LAKE CITY—When asked if he needed any special instructions for the safety hatch’s use, airline passenger Jeffrey Evars reportedly assured a Delta flight attendant Wednesday that he had both sat in exit rows and opened emergency exit doors many, many times before. “Yeah, yeah, I open these all the time—don’t worry about it,” Evars reportedly told the flight attendant, waving her away as he explained that he cracks open the sealed evacuation doors on nearly every plane trip he takes. “Trust me, I’m an old pro at this. You just crank the lever down and twist it a few times. It’s easy. Here, look, I’ll pop this one open now.” At press time, Evars had opened the emergency exit, deployed the inflatable slide, and left the plane.

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