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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Passenger Assures Flight Attendant He Has Opened Emergency Exit Dozens Of Times Before

SALT LAKE CITY—When asked if he needed any special instructions for the safety hatch’s use, airline passenger Jeffrey Evars reportedly assured a Delta flight attendant Wednesday that he had both sat in exit rows and opened emergency exit doors many, many times before. “Yeah, yeah, I open these all the time—don’t worry about it,” Evars reportedly told the flight attendant, waving her away as he explained that he cracks open the sealed evacuation doors on nearly every plane trip he takes. “Trust me, I’m an old pro at this. You just crank the lever down and twist it a few times. It’s easy. Here, look, I’ll pop this one open now.” At press time, Evars had opened the emergency exit, deployed the inflatable slide, and left the plane.

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