adBlockCheck

Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Passing Of Ohio Man Forces Nation To Confront Death For First Time

MARION, OH—Following the passing of 82-year-old Joseph Howerton Saturday, the American people were, for the very first time, forced to confront the reality that death is an inevitable part of life that one day awaits us all.

Howerton, who has caused all American citizens to be aware of their own mortality.

While sources confirmed that the nation's 311 million residents were aware of death as a basic concept, the demise of Ohio retiree Howerton reportedly marked the first instance in which death became fully real to the U.S. populace, and not simply an abstract idea removed from their own lives.

"When I heard that [Howerton] died, it suddenly occurred to me for the first time that, 'Oh, my God, everybody dies, and once they do, they don’t come back,'" said Philadelphia real estate agent Tom Marsh, 52, describing a reaction shared by every other person in the country within hours of the news that Howerton had passed away. "Sure, I'd heard about people dying and seen it in movies and books and stuff, but I never had to come to grips with it until now."

"We're all going to end up like Joseph Howerton," concurred Phoenix-area factory worker Tami Weiss, 31, shaking her head slowly in apparent shock. "My parents, my friends, everyone. Even me."

Since Howerton's death from complications related to pneumonia, millions of people in all 50 states have reportedly spent hours "wrapping [their heads] around" the notion of life's impermanence, with more than 60 percent of all Americans vowing to cherish and appreciate their living friends and relatives with greater frequency, and 85 percent lying awake at night pondering the certitude and finality of death with mounting anxiety.

Most American media organizations struggled with how to portray Howerton's death.

Although sources said the nation's entire citizenry had confronted death firsthand to a much lesser degree in 2001 following the death of St. Cloud, MN house cat Boots, nothing had prepared the population for the level of existential awareness that comes when an actual human being dies.

Americans also noted that they were very young when their grandfathers died so they didn't really have to deal with it then.

"It's like, one minute Joseph Howerton was there, and the next minute he literally just didn’t exist anymore," said noted author Cormac McCarthy, who needed at least three days to fully process the fact that the 82-year-old's death was a normal and natural occurrence in life. "His body was still there, but his actual spirit or soul or whatever was just gone, forever. It just—it's blowing me away."

In response to America’s growing comprehension of mortality as an inescapable fact of life, Congress plans to form a number of special committees this week that will spend long hours pondering Howerton's death, estimating how many years their own respective relatives have left to live, and coming to grips with how these deaths might affect them when they finally do occur.

President Obama also emerged from a two-day period of quiet introspection to speak on Howerton's death early Monday.

Four of the 308 million Americans who faced mortality for the first time following Howerton's death.

"Obviously, we went through this a little bit when Mary Greer of Twin Falls, ID passed away, but we weren't really that close to her, so this is different," the president said in a nine-hour-long address delivered at 3 a.m. last night. "It's just sort of a mind-fuck to think that everything dies and really none of us means anything in the grand scheme of things, because eventually we'll all be completely forgotten. So, in a way, it’s almost like all that matters is this moment right now, because everything in the past gets forgotten, and we all have only a short time to live in the future, so it's all just completely, I don't know, temporary or something."

"Do you know what I mean?" Obama asked the nation.

At press time, all 311 million Americans were quietly asking a friend or relative if they knew of someone they could talk to about this.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close