Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring

Top Headlines

After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

The Pros And Cons Of Co-Sleeping

The act of co-sleeping, where babies and toddlers share a “family bed” with their parents, is a rising trend in the United States, though the practice is contested by those who doubt its purported benefits. Here are the pros and cons of co-sleeping with your child

The Onion’s Guide To Trick-Or-Treating

Halloween gives revelers a chance to receive candy all over the neighborhood. Here are some tips to make sure you get the most out of your experience and take home a big haul.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring

SIMSBURY, CT—Marveling at her singular focus and unflinching determination, onlookers reportedly found themselves feeling inspired Tuesday by the passion with which local 3-year-old Ava Matthews demanded a brightly colored helium balloon. “To see someone so impassioned by something that she’s literally jumping up and down, balling her hands into fists, and screaming for it—it’s incredibly moving and puts into perspective just how much desire has been lacking from my own life,” said Jeremy Citterman, 34, adding that the toddler’s display of longing was all the more affecting given that her parents had to physically restrain her from simply running up and grabbing the object of her craving. “At this point in my life I can’t even imagine wanting anything that badly, let alone getting that worked up about it. I have to say, I’m awestruck.” Citterman later admitted, however, that Matthews’ pleas would have been more convincing had she not been holding a fairy wand and been absolutely covered in melted ice cream.

After Birth Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close