After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Passion With Which Child Demanding Balloon Actually Kind Of Inspiring

SIMSBURY, CT—Marveling at her singular focus and unflinching determination, onlookers reportedly found themselves feeling inspired Tuesday by the passion with which local 3-year-old Ava Matthews demanded a brightly colored helium balloon. “To see someone so impassioned by something that she’s literally jumping up and down, balling her hands into fists, and screaming for it—it’s incredibly moving and puts into perspective just how much desire has been lacking from my own life,” said Jeremy Citterman, 34, adding that the toddler’s display of longing was all the more affecting given that her parents had to physically restrain her from simply running up and grabbing the object of her craving. “At this point in my life I can’t even imagine wanting anything that badly, let alone getting that worked up about it. I have to say, I’m awestruck.” Citterman later admitted, however, that Matthews’ pleas would have been more convincing had she not been holding a fairy wand and been absolutely covered in melted ice cream.

After Birth

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