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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood

ST. PAUL, MN—Casually striking up a conversation with a fellow passenger on a crosstown bus, local Presbyterian Pastor James Miller could suddenly smell blood in the water upon learning that the non-Christian man’s wife had just passed away, sources said Tuesday. “Ooh, baby—we got a live one,” Miller thought to himself, his ears perking up and his pupils dilating as the man informed the pastor that his wife of 20 years had recently died from pancreatic cancer and that he has felt lost and alone in the intervening weeks. “He’s like a wounded animal. Okay, James, just nod compassionately and put your hand on his shoulder. Then, right when he says ‘I don’t know what to do’—bam! Move in for the kill.” At press time, a visibly salivating Miller was telling the man about a support group for the bereaved that meets in the basement of his church every Wednesday.

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