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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood

ST. PAUL, MN—Casually striking up a conversation with a fellow passenger on a crosstown bus, local Presbyterian Pastor James Miller could suddenly smell blood in the water upon learning that the non-Christian man’s wife had just passed away, sources said Tuesday. “Ooh, baby—we got a live one,” Miller thought to himself, his ears perking up and his pupils dilating as the man informed the pastor that his wife of 20 years had recently died from pancreatic cancer and that he has felt lost and alone in the intervening weeks. “He’s like a wounded animal. Okay, James, just nod compassionately and put your hand on his shoulder. Then, right when he says ‘I don’t know what to do’—bam! Move in for the kill.” At press time, a visibly salivating Miller was telling the man about a support group for the bereaved that meets in the basement of his church every Wednesday.

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