Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Pastor Talking To Non-Christian Who Just Lost Wife Can Smell Blood

ST. PAUL, MN—Casually striking up a conversation with a fellow passenger on a crosstown bus, local Presbyterian Pastor James Miller could suddenly smell blood in the water upon learning that the non-Christian man’s wife had just passed away, sources said Tuesday. “Ooh, baby—we got a live one,” Miller thought to himself, his ears perking up and his pupils dilating as the man informed the pastor that his wife of 20 years had recently died from pancreatic cancer and that he has felt lost and alone in the intervening weeks. “He’s like a wounded animal. Okay, James, just nod compassionately and put your hand on his shoulder. Then, right when he says ‘I don’t know what to do’—bam! Move in for the kill.” At press time, a visibly salivating Miller was telling the man about a support group for the bereaved that meets in the basement of his church every Wednesday.

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