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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pat Robertson Says Pie Not Delicious

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Televangelist Pat Robertson, who recently condemned the town of Dover, PA for accepting evolution and called for the assassination of leftist Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, said during a Sunday broadcast of The 700 Club that pie is not delicious. "Pie is a corrupt and foul-tasting pastry-covered baked-fruit abomination that shall turn to ashes in the mouth of the misled eater," Robertson said during his 11-minute anti-pie tirade. "The pious eat not the pie, knowing it an unclean thing, nor the crust, nor the filling. Get thee behind me, pie!" Stunned 700 Club viewer Melody Blaker of Houston told reporters that that the evangelist had "abandoned common sense."

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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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