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Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. "Can't he let it go? Just go play golf and ride your motorcycles or whatever," said Bobcats guard Kemba Walker, leaving hastily upon seeing the smiling owner enter the room wearing an outdated, closely cropped mustache. "What am I supposed to do with all these stories? One time he said he made a shot in the playoffs that was so good, they just called it 'the Shot.' That doesn't even make sense." Walker added that the owner seems to see his time in the league as "some kind of golden era of the NBA" and that "to hear him tell it, he's like the greatest player of all time."

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