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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. "Can't he let it go? Just go play golf and ride your motorcycles or whatever," said Bobcats guard Kemba Walker, leaving hastily upon seeing the smiling owner enter the room wearing an outdated, closely cropped mustache. "What am I supposed to do with all these stories? One time he said he made a shot in the playoffs that was so good, they just called it 'the Shot.' That doesn't even make sense." Walker added that the owner seems to see his time in the league as "some kind of golden era of the NBA" and that "to hear him tell it, he's like the greatest player of all time."

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