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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league. "Can't he let it go? Just go play golf and ride your motorcycles or whatever," said Bobcats guard Kemba Walker, leaving hastily upon seeing the smiling owner enter the room wearing an outdated, closely cropped mustache. "What am I supposed to do with all these stories? One time he said he made a shot in the playoffs that was so good, they just called it 'the Shot.' That doesn't even make sense." Walker added that the owner seems to see his time in the league as "some kind of golden era of the NBA" and that "to hear him tell it, he's like the greatest player of all time."

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