adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart

LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman. Reports indicate that, despite having the same job title, as well as comparable educational backgrounds, prior job experience, and performance reviews with their current employer, Hall and the weak, neutered man are each paid $55,000 per year for their role. While they both carry out the same duties and responsibilities and have both been employed with the company for four years, sources stated that, based on the identical amount of money deposited into their bank accounts each pay period, the woman and the emasculated little runt are considered equally valuable to the business in the eyes of their supervisor. Those familiar with the situation also confirmed that Atkins, who is a source of shame to males everywhere and has essentially been stripped of all his manhood, will likely be considered just as dispensable as his female peer during this year’s rounds of company layoffs.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close