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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart

LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman. Reports indicate that, despite having the same job title, as well as comparable educational backgrounds, prior job experience, and performance reviews with their current employer, Hall and the weak, neutered man are each paid $55,000 per year for their role. While they both carry out the same duties and responsibilities and have both been employed with the company for four years, sources stated that, based on the identical amount of money deposited into their bank accounts each pay period, the woman and the emasculated little runt are considered equally valuable to the business in the eyes of their supervisor. Those familiar with the situation also confirmed that Atkins, who is a source of shame to males everywhere and has essentially been stripped of all his manhood, will likely be considered just as dispensable as his female peer during this year’s rounds of company layoffs.

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