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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart

LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman. Reports indicate that, despite having the same job title, as well as comparable educational backgrounds, prior job experience, and performance reviews with their current employer, Hall and the weak, neutered man are each paid $55,000 per year for their role. While they both carry out the same duties and responsibilities and have both been employed with the company for four years, sources stated that, based on the identical amount of money deposited into their bank accounts each pay period, the woman and the emasculated little runt are considered equally valuable to the business in the eyes of their supervisor. Those familiar with the situation also confirmed that Atkins, who is a source of shame to males everywhere and has essentially been stripped of all his manhood, will likely be considered just as dispensable as his female peer during this year’s rounds of company layoffs.

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