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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Pathetic Excuse For Man Paid Same Wage As Female Counterpart

LAFAYETTE, LA—Calling the situation pitiful and completely embarrassing, sources confirmed Friday that pathetic excuse for a man Pete Atkins is paid the exact same wage as his coworker and fellow claims adjuster Melanie Hall, who is a woman. Reports indicate that, despite having the same job title, as well as comparable educational backgrounds, prior job experience, and performance reviews with their current employer, Hall and the weak, neutered man are each paid $55,000 per year for their role. While they both carry out the same duties and responsibilities and have both been employed with the company for four years, sources stated that, based on the identical amount of money deposited into their bank accounts each pay period, the woman and the emasculated little runt are considered equally valuable to the business in the eyes of their supervisor. Those familiar with the situation also confirmed that Atkins, who is a source of shame to males everywhere and has essentially been stripped of all his manhood, will likely be considered just as dispensable as his female peer during this year’s rounds of company layoffs.

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