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Pathetic Goal Reached

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

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FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Pathetic Goal Reached

INKSTER, MI–Pathetic local man Edwin Horton's hope of becoming slightly less pathetic came one step closer to reality Wednesday, in a way, depending on how you look at it, when the part-time mailroom clerk and fern enthusiast achieved his pathetic goal of coming up with one "positive daily affirmation of selfhood" for seven consecutive days.

Inkster, MI, part-time mailroom clerk Edwin Horton.

The pathetic goal, Horton said, was achieved with the help of the "Tom Vanderbilt Personality Power For Growing, Learning & Living Your Dream" audiotape series, which he bought in May 1999.

"Thanks to the Tom Vanderbilt self-help system, I was able to gain the confidence I needed to conceptualize, concretize, and actualize my pathetic goal and live my dream for the future," the 32-year-old Horton said. "Thank you, Tom Vanderbilt. Because of you, I've sort of managed to make a tiny, tiny difference in my life."

Horton's seven pathetic positive self-affirmations included his ability to be a responsible provider of fish food for his three goldfish; his love of the TV program King Of Queens, which he "always manage[s] to make time for"; the fact that his ferns like him a lot; and the bravery he recently displayed when he was written up by his supervisor for "gross incompetence in completing the duties assigned to him" but didn't cry until he made it to the employee restroom, preserving his dignity.

Horton, who had been trying to reach the seven-day affirmation mark for nearly nine months, attributes his success to his refusal to give up.

"Sure, it was tough to do. I mean, I'm such a weak-willed, sad-sack, milquetoasty person that finding seven things I like about myself wasn't easy," Horton told reporters at a press conference in his fourth-floor walk-up efficiency. "About six months ago, I got as far as Wednesday before I ran out of ideas and was unable to continue. But I didn't let adversity stop me. Every time I met with failure, I kept trying. Finally, on the 34th try, I did it."

"Through sheer perseverance, I completed the pathetic task I set out to accomplish nine months ago," Horton said. "And now that I've done it, I can honestly say, at least in terms of this one specific aspect of my life, I actually do feel somewhat better about myself."

"Kind of," he added.

According to his coworkers in the mailroom of Andersen & Associates Actuarial, Horton has reached numerous pathetic goals since purchasing "Personality Power," beginning with the initial decision to spend $119.99 on the audiotape series itself.

"That took him about half a year," mailroom manager Bob Boyer said. "It wasn't that he didn't have the money to buy it. He was able to get that in a few months after his mom agreed to pay some of his rent. The major hurdle was convincing himself that he could stick to such a program, which, for a long time, because of his self-doubt, he was unable to do."

Among the other pathetic goals Horton has reached since buying "Personality Power": working three four-hour shifts a week instead of two; acquiring a miniature refrigerator and hot plate, enabling him to store and heat food in his own room instead of "having to walk all the way downstairs to where the communal kitchen for the building is"; and deciding to limit his pornography rentals to just two per week.

Having reached his pathetic goal, Horton says he is not content to rest on his laurels.

"I'm now at the point where something Tom Vanderbilt calls 'The Big Momentum' is about to kick in, and I start building on my past successes," Horton said. "My next pathetic goal is to force myself, no matter how depressed or listless I may feel, to tackle the pathetically huge pile of laundry that's been accumulating in my room for months now. I'm giving myself one month to get it done. After that, my next goal will be to get some sort of shelf or something to put the clean clothes on instead of just piling them next to my mattress like I've always done."

"After all," Horton continued, "if I don't have clothes that are presentable, I send a 'Not-Okay' Personality Impression Message to those I meet throughout my day, rather than a 'Maximum Power' Personality Impression Message that lets others see the dynamic, confident, power personality I truly am. Inside, I mean. Under the pathetic shell of a man I am on the outside."

"Or, rather, that I eventually would like to be," he added. "Hopefully. Someday."

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