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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim

FREDERICK, MD—Calling them spineless and utterly devoid of dignity, witnesses described Wednesday how the pathetic hands of local man David Bromley allow themselves to be subjected to his every whim. “Look at how those meek little stooges obey his every command, no questions asked; have they no sense of shame at all?” said observer Jane Hadfield, 37, noting that if the subservient worms had an ounce of guts they would have stood up to Bromley years ago. “It’s as if they’re oblivious to how embarrassing it all looks. If he says right, they go right. If he says clench, these weak-willed saps clench until he tells them it’s okay to release. I bet you they’d press themselves against a hot stove if he wanted them to.” At press time, Bromley and a potential business client were forcing their respective minions to engage in a humiliating little hug.

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