Pathetic Man Thinking About Maybe Taking Some Sort Of Class Of Some Kind

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

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CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

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Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

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Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

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Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Pathetic Man Thinking About Maybe Taking Some Sort Of Class Of Some Kind

Perhaps Mayhew, 48, could do something with cooking.
Perhaps Mayhew, 48, could do something with cooking.

DUNDEE, IL—Hoping to get out more and expose himself to new things, pathetic man Eric Mayhew, 48, is considering taking some sort of sad little class somewhere, the longtime office worker said Monday.

"Ever since the divorce eight years ago, I haven't really had much to do in the evenings," Mayhew, who is childless, told reporters. "I was thinking of maybe something with computers or something. It might be a way to meet some new people."

Though he is uncertain what he wants to study, Mayhew confirmed that enrolling in any course at all would be a nice way to break up his usual after-work routine of eating dinner during the local news, flipping around from channel to channel without ever really watching any program from start to finish, and falling asleep on the couch.

"I could sit in on some college classes," said Mayhew, finishing his third beer of the night. "Would they let me do that? In college I used to do things all the time. Maybe it'd be like that again. You never know until you try."

"Or a comedy class might be interesting," he continued. "I know they have those improv classes people can take."

He then remained silent for a few moments before picking up a Learning Annex brochure that sat alone on a narrow coffee table. Flipping through it, he revealed various listings lightly circled in red pencil.

"This one seems like it could be good," said Mayhew, pointing to a seminar entitled "Dare to Live Without Limits." "It's only a few hundred dollars to sign up, and I could swing that. Then again, it really doesn't sound much like my personality."

"This pamphlet is from last fall, anyway," he added. "I should see if I can find a more recent one."

Mayhew has failed to commit to several other vague ideas that have flitted across his mind in recent years, including the possibility of taking courses in bicycle repair, gardening, pottery, "How to Quit Smoking in 30 Days," bird-watching, model shipbuilding, and Tai Chi.

"I don't think I'd do too well in a martial arts class, because I'm not very competitive, and I've never been any good at contact sports," said Mayhew, his eyes downcast as he scratched the back of his head. "But Tai Chi is basically just standing in one place and swinging your arms around, right? I could do that."

"They also have something at the Y where they have you bouncing up and down on some kind of large inflatable ball," he continued. "Which sounds kind of fun."

Although Mayhew has continued to express interest in a variety of adult-education opportunities, it remains unclear whether he will ever summon the will to attend a class.

Sources close to the pathetic man were not available for comment, as none particularly close to him exist.