adBlockCheck

Pathetic, Washed-Up Rock Star On Fifth Decade Of Doing Exactly What He Always Wanted

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Pathetic, Washed-Up Rock Star On Fifth Decade Of Doing Exactly What He Always Wanted

DETROIT—Peter Wolf, a pitiful, has-been rock musician who hasn’t had a platinum record since 1981, has now spent more than 40 happy years doing exactly what he always wanted, reports confirmed this week. “It’s so sad to see that guy still out on tour after all this time,” a source said of the washed-up loser who has been able to walk out on a stage multiple nights a week for more than four decades and play music of his own creation while being cheered on enthusiastically by a paying audience. “When was that guy’s last hit anyway? Thirty years ago? God, it’s embarrassing.” At press time, the fans in attendance at the pathetic old artist’s latest show were reportedly singing along, word for word, with a song millions of people know by heart.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close