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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Patient Referred To Physician Who Specializes In Giving A Shit

NORTH PLATTE, NE—After visiting his primary care physician Tuesday with complaints of intense pain in his left leg, computer programmer Dan Fields was referred to a specialist who focuses on giving a shit. "I want to send you to someone who specializes in not dismissing you brusquely after three minutes," Dr. Paul Niles said as he hastily scrawled out a referral and pushed Fields to the door. "Dr. Lewis is really one of the best out there at regarding patients as actual human beings. If anyone's going to listen closely without resenting you for taking too much of his time, it's him." Niles added that his colleague's reputation for giving a shit, however, often meant waiting at least four months to get an appointment.

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