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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Patient Zero Kicking Back In 38C With Episode Of ‘New Girl’

ATLANTA—Reclining his seat and switching on his iPad as his plane reached cruising altitude Wednesday, United Airlines passenger and Patient Zero of a highly infectious disease, Chris McCann, reportedly kicked back in seat 38C on his flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City with a few episodes of the Fox sitcom New Girl. “I’ll take a ginger ale,” said the first human in existence to contract the lethal strain of the airborne virus, before reaching across his seatmate, taking his beverage from the flight attendant, and settling back into the show. “And you don’t have a blanket, do you? That’d be great when you get a chance.” At press time, the source of the deadly contagion was working his way down the full length of the aisle toward the restroom.

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