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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Patient Zero Kicking Back In 38C With Episode Of ‘New Girl’

ATLANTA—Reclining his seat and switching on his iPad as his plane reached cruising altitude Wednesday, United Airlines passenger and Patient Zero of a highly infectious disease, Chris McCann, reportedly kicked back in seat 38C on his flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City with a few episodes of the Fox sitcom New Girl. “I’ll take a ginger ale,” said the first human in existence to contract the lethal strain of the airborne virus, before reaching across his seatmate, taking his beverage from the flight attendant, and settling back into the show. “And you don’t have a blanket, do you? That’d be great when you get a chance.” At press time, the source of the deadly contagion was working his way down the full length of the aisle toward the restroom.

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