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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Patient Zero Kicking Back In 38C With Episode Of ‘New Girl’

ATLANTA—Reclining his seat and switching on his iPad as his plane reached cruising altitude Wednesday, United Airlines passenger and Patient Zero of a highly infectious disease, Chris McCann, reportedly kicked back in seat 38C on his flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City with a few episodes of the Fox sitcom New Girl. “I’ll take a ginger ale,” said the first human in existence to contract the lethal strain of the airborne virus, before reaching across his seatmate, taking his beverage from the flight attendant, and settling back into the show. “And you don’t have a blanket, do you? That’d be great when you get a chance.” At press time, the source of the deadly contagion was working his way down the full length of the aisle toward the restroom.

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