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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Patrick Kane No Longer Able To Play With Blackhawks After Dad Gets New Job In Boise

CHICAGO—Just days before the Blackhawks' first-round playoff loss to the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday, star right winger Patrick Kane announced to a stunned locker room that his father had taken a new job in Boise, ID and that he was moving away with his family. "I'm really sorry to do this to you guys right before the playoffs. I tried to tell my dad that this is where all my friends are and everything, but he just wouldn't listen," said Kane, confirming he would not be allowed to stay behind in Chicago and live with either his grandmother or Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz. "Maybe they have a hockey team in Boise and we can play each other someday." Before Kane left, each member of the team gave him a tearful hug, took down his family's new telephone number, and made a point of glaring angrily at Kane's father as he drove his family out of the United Center parking lot.

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