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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.
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Patrick Willis

49ers Inside Linebacker

Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all the latest linebacking information before anyone else

Weakness: Always lets out a long sigh before going into pass coverage; Terrifies normally dauntless sports journalists

Training Regimen: Practices sacking Alex Smith every day during practice

Versatility: Able to cover running backs, tight ends, or wide receivers who are paralyzed with fear

Motivation: Getting the last laugh on everyone in high school he used to beat up

Typical Breakfast: Ten eggs, five pancakes, five gloves, poached half-helmet

Names He’ll Respond To: Patrick, Pat

Pet Peeve: Having to remove clumps of opponents from face mask

Eyes: Dead

NEXT: Aldon Smith

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