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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Patriots: 'Better A Diamond With A Flaw Than A Pebble Without'

PHOENIX—The self-reflective New England Patriots issued a brief but enlightening statement concerning their nearly perfect season Monday, claiming that it is better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without, and that greatness is measured not in successes but in failures. "What is perfection without fault? Nothing. How can one be perfect without the knowledge and experience that comes with failure? One cannot," the statement read in part. "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. So basically, we won." The Patriots added that it is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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