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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Patriots Draft Pat Patriot’s Successor With Third-Round Pick Of Sophomore LSU Mascot

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a bold move to usher the franchise into the future, the New England Patriots reportedly drafted Pat Patriot’s successor Monday by using a third-round pick, 72nd overall, to select sophomore LSU mascot Mike the Tiger.

Several reports indicate that the team plans to groom Mike the Tiger to eventually take over for the veteran Pat Patriot, revealing that members of New England’s coaching staff were enamored with the consensus All-American mascot’s nonstop motor, mobility, and elite antics.

“We got a good value with the pick and improved our football team with a top-tier mascot,” said head coach Bill Belichick, lauding Mike the Tiger’s toughness and durability as well as the SEC standout’s large repertoire of dance moves. “This is a tough, gritty kid who never missed a single game for LSU over the last two years and is very explosive while bounding and tumbling all over the place.”

“Does a nice job setting the tone with incredibly physical hijinks,” continued Belichick.

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick watches private workouts of mascot prospects Mr. Pig and Scarlet Knight in March.

NFL Draft analyst Mike Mayock praised the selection of the LSU sophomore, noting that the highly touted mascot could gain valuable experience learning from Pat Patriot before the latter steps away from the game. Mayock, who insisted that Mike the Tiger was ready to contribute immediately, acknowledged that the SEC star still needed to work on improving his waving mechanics.

Patriots sources confirmed that the front office believes Mike the Tiger is a franchise mascot, adding that the third-round draft pick has a natural ability to fluidly improvise on the fly and the energy to become a difference-maker in the league with his relentless frolicking. After watching countless hours of tape, the team’s scouts reportedly discovered that the LSU mascot was an extremely disruptive force when gyrating his hips in a suggestive fashion behind a referee.

The Patriots signaled that the team plans on having competition during training camp by signing several undrafted free agents over the weekend, such as Rutgers’ Scarlet Knight, and giving a tryout to an older Piggly Wiggly mascot who worked at a grocery store for the past two seasons.

“Everyone knows Pat Patriot won’t be around forever, so we felt it was necessary to bring in young talent at the position,” said Patriots director of player personnel Nick Caserio, adding that the team relies on the Draft, free agency, or trades to acquire potential mascots. “I’m really looking forward to seeing their training camp battles, but Mike the Tiger is going to be hard to beat out for a job.”

“Luckily we were able to grab him in the Draft before Cincinnati,” Caserio continued.

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