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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility

GLENDALE, AZ—Having defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday night to win Super Bowl XLIX, the New England Patriots reportedly provided an incredible storybook ending to the NFL’s credibility. “Honestly, you couldn’t have scripted it any better in a movie,” said ESPN analyst Adam Schefter, adding that after a year rife with scandal—including high-profile domestic violence cases involving Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the league’s ongoing concussion epidemic, and fresh allegations of cheating against New England—seeing the Patriots celebrate a fourth Super Bowl title was a fitting end to the NFL’s integrity. “Given what we’ve seen over the past six months, this is the perfect way—really the only way—for it to finish. Unbelievable.” Sources also confirmed that witnessing a smiling Roger Goodell hand the Lombardi Trophy to Patriots owner Robert Kraft was just the cherry on top after watching the final few seconds of the NFL’s dignity and self-respect tick away.

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