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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility

GLENDALE, AZ—Having defeated the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 Sunday night to win Super Bowl XLIX, the New England Patriots reportedly provided an incredible storybook ending to the NFL’s credibility. “Honestly, you couldn’t have scripted it any better in a movie,” said ESPN analyst Adam Schefter, adding that after a year rife with scandal—including high-profile domestic violence cases involving Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, the league’s ongoing concussion epidemic, and fresh allegations of cheating against New England—seeing the Patriots celebrate a fourth Super Bowl title was a fitting end to the NFL’s integrity. “Given what we’ve seen over the past six months, this is the perfect way—really the only way—for it to finish. Unbelievable.” Sources also confirmed that witnessing a smiling Roger Goodell hand the Lombardi Trophy to Patriots owner Robert Kraft was just the cherry on top after watching the final few seconds of the NFL’s dignity and self-respect tick away.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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