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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following news that free agent quarterback Tim Tebow was acquired by the New England Patriots, sources close to the organization told reporters Tuesday that they expect the high-profile signing to at long last draw some media attention to the oft-ignored football franchise. “With a guy like Tebow on board, I’ve got a feeling that we’re finally going to be seeing some cameras in our locker room,” said team CEO Robert Kraft, who aired his frustrations that his small-market football club traditionally has been overshadowed by such media darlings as the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, adding his personal belief that sports journalists generally hold a bias against East Coast teams like the Patriots. “Yep, this move is going to put us on the map. They might even send over some reporters from ESPN to do a story about us, the New England Patriots. Imagine that!” Kraft added that the presence of a famous player such as Tebow could perhaps lend some publicity to routinely overlooked members of the Patriots organization such as Rob Gronkowski, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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