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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following news that free agent quarterback Tim Tebow was acquired by the New England Patriots, sources close to the organization told reporters Tuesday that they expect the high-profile signing to at long last draw some media attention to the oft-ignored football franchise. “With a guy like Tebow on board, I’ve got a feeling that we’re finally going to be seeing some cameras in our locker room,” said team CEO Robert Kraft, who aired his frustrations that his small-market football club traditionally has been overshadowed by such media darlings as the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, adding his personal belief that sports journalists generally hold a bias against East Coast teams like the Patriots. “Yep, this move is going to put us on the map. They might even send over some reporters from ESPN to do a story about us, the New England Patriots. Imagine that!” Kraft added that the presence of a famous player such as Tebow could perhaps lend some publicity to routinely overlooked members of the Patriots organization such as Rob Gronkowski, Bill Belichick, and Tom Brady.

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