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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Pau Gasol, Tony Parker Share Special Moment During Pick

LOS ANGELES—An otherwise routine set play involving a variation on the classic "pick" strategy transformed into a singularly unforgettable moment Sunday when Lakers center Pau Gasol interposed himself in order to stop the defensive pursuit of Spurs guard Tony Parker with body contact, but in the words of Parker himself "stopped my heart instead." "I came around the key to the baseline like it was any other day, but then there [Pau] was… First our hips met, then our eyes, and I was knocked off my feet—literally and figuratively," Parker told reporters afterward. "Time stopped forever for me at that moment, and I knew then that whatever happened in this crucial best-of-five series, one of the most crucial moments of my life had just happened. That now and forever, for me—for us—there would always be eight seconds left on the shot clock." Gasol refused to comment on the moment, telling reporters that "[Parker and I] will always have [the] Staples Center."

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