Paul Hogan Keeps Pitching Crocodile Dundee Saturday-Morning Cartoon

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Vol 37 Issue 01

English Teacher Obviously Hung Over

MARYLAND HEIGHTS, MO–Despite attempts to conceal it from students, Eisenhower High School 11th-grade English teacher Matthew Geisinger was clearly hung over Monday. "Today, you're going to break up into groups of four to discuss that book you read over the weekend," Geisinger groggily told his first-period class. "The idea is to draw your own conclusions about the book without coming to me for any help." Geisinger then rested his head on his desk for the remainder of the period, occasionally taking a sip of coffee.

New KFC Employee Takes 'Fry-Q' Test In Employee Manual

MITCHELL, SD–After a three-hour training session at the Berner Road KFC Monday, food-prep trainee Liz Falk took the "Fry-Q" test in the employee handbook. "It's to see how much you know about, like, breading and the different chicken parts and stuff," said Falk, 16, who has a Fry-Q of 127. "I think I messed up the section on potato wedges, but I did okay on the rest." Impressed by Falk's high Fry-Q, KFC manager Dan Nies said he hopes to groom her for a shift-supervisor position.

Salvadoran Earthquake Registers 0.2 On Local Man's Consciousness

PORTAGE, MI–A massive earthquake in El Salvador did not rock Walt Grella's world Saturday, measuring 0.2 on the Portage man's consciousness. "I think I heard something about that," Grella said of the Central American disaster that killed 600 and left 500 more missing and feared dead. "Yeah, it sounded kind of bad." Grella experienced no aftershocks from news of the quake, shrugging slightly before continuing with his day uninterrupted.

Clinton Not Expecting To Collect White House Security Deposit

WASHINGTON, DC–Surveying the White House's walls and bathroom fixtures in preparation for move-out, President Clinton said Monday that he expects to forfeit his security deposit. "It's just not worth it," Clinton said. "I'd rather lose the $575 than have to deal with fixing all the nail holes and chipped porticos and stuff." Noticing a small, brownish stain on the East Room's carpet, Clinton added: "It's not like the place is trashed, but eight years of summits and state dinners are really going to take their toll on a place."

Firearm-Safety Tips

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:
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Paul Hogan Keeps Pitching Crocodile Dundee Saturday-Morning Cartoon

LOS ANGELES–Continuing nine years of such efforts, Australian actor Paul Hogan pitched a Crocodile Dundee Saturday-morning cartoon to Fox Family Channel executives Tuesday. "In Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, Dundee would travel the world in a hot-air balloon, having adventures with his outback pals Kenny Koala and J. Wellington Wallaby,"Hogan told the executives. "This is an even stronger concept than the Crocodile Dundee & The Magic Didgeridoo idea I pitched you folks last year. Or was that UPN?" Hogan said that in addition to executive producing Crocodile Dundee & His Outback Gang, he would be willing to provide the voice for the title character.

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