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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride
to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu
impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The
next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in
an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added
Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of
Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his
car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

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