Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Paul Manafort Spends Afternoon Making House Look Presentable For Next FBI Raid

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Embarrassed by the piles of clutter in virtually every room, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly spent the afternoon Wednesday making his house look presentable before the next predawn FBI raid. “The next time the FBI shows up at my door without advance warning, this place is going to be spick and span,” said Manafort, who fluffed couch cushions, folded a basket of freshly washed laundry, and then went room to room to empty waste baskets, noting that the house was so messy that the agents searching for incriminating documents must have thought he was a total slob. “It was humiliating standing there and watching them rifling through my desk drawers, which were just crammed with loose papers and unopened junk mail. Then I almost died when they were rummaging around under the couch and discovered the missing television remote, pieces of popcorn, and these huge clumps of dog hair—at that moment, with all those FBI officers crawling around, I wished more than anything that I had vacuumed.” At press time, an extremely anxious Manafort was hoping the FBI agents that had just entered his home wouldn’t notice he had forgotten to dust around the bookshelf.

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