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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Paul McCartney's Mix-CD For New Girlfriend A Little Self-Indulgent

LONDON—The mix-CD that ex-Beatle Paul McCartney created for Steffina Graves, his new girlfriend, is a "sweet gesture," but "limited in terms of variety," according to the 27-year-old Graves. "'Baby I'm Amazed' may be great, but I don't know if anyone needs two different versions," Graves said Tuesday. "And I'm not sure anybody really liked 'Say Say Say.'" Graves, however, praised the psychedelic, Sgt. Pepper-inspired collage of McCartney photos on the CD cover and booklet as "very creative," and noted that "At least the CD has one Badfinger song on it, even if it is a cover of 'Love Me Do.'"

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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