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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Paul McCartney's Mix-CD For New Girlfriend A Little Self-Indulgent

LONDON—The mix-CD that ex-Beatle Paul McCartney created for Steffina Graves, his new girlfriend, is a "sweet gesture," but "limited in terms of variety," according to the 27-year-old Graves. "'Baby I'm Amazed' may be great, but I don't know if anyone needs two different versions," Graves said Tuesday. "And I'm not sure anybody really liked 'Say Say Say.'" Graves, however, praised the psychedelic, Sgt. Pepper-inspired collage of McCartney photos on the CD cover and booklet as "very creative," and noted that "At least the CD has one Badfinger song on it, even if it is a cover of 'Love Me Do.'"

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