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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Paul Pierce Out For Season With Suspicious-Sounding Cough

BOSTON—As the second half of the NBA season began with the Boston Celtics mired in an apparently hopeless NBA-worst 13-38 season, All-Star guard Paul Pierce announced Wednesday that he would miss the rest of the season with a rather unusual cough. "I, uh, cough cough, must have come down with a little something while I was in Vegas, cough, cough," said Pierce, who held his hand in front of his mouth while seeming to repeatedly pronounce the word "cough" instead of actually coughing. "I don't, cough, sniffle, know if I can put in that many minutes in my weakened condition." Celtics coach Doc Rivers said the team was devastated by the report of the injury, especially as it came so soon after news of the mysterious limp that afflicts forward Wally Szczerbiak whenever Celtics games are not broadcast on national television.

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