adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Paul Pierce Out For Season With Suspicious-Sounding Cough

BOSTON—As the second half of the NBA season began with the Boston Celtics mired in an apparently hopeless NBA-worst 13-38 season, All-Star guard Paul Pierce announced Wednesday that he would miss the rest of the season with a rather unusual cough. "I, uh, cough cough, must have come down with a little something while I was in Vegas, cough, cough," said Pierce, who held his hand in front of his mouth while seeming to repeatedly pronounce the word "cough" instead of actually coughing. "I don't, cough, sniffle, know if I can put in that many minutes in my weakened condition." Celtics coach Doc Rivers said the team was devastated by the report of the injury, especially as it came so soon after news of the mysterious limp that afflicts forward Wally Szczerbiak whenever Celtics games are not broadcast on national television.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close