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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of millions of loyal fans yesterday when he said that he would welcome the opportunity to direct a full-length feature film.

Following the announcement, all sources confirmed without hesitation and without prompting that the Beverly Hills Cop superstar's wish should, would, and must be fulfilled.

"Sure, if the right project came along, I would love to get behind the camera," Mr. Reiser said in a most fascinating interview on the TV Guide Network, his statement receiving the kind of soaring public ovation typically reserved for baseball stars Derek Jeter, Roger "The Rocket" Clemens, and world-renowned badminton legend Lin Dan. "Right now I'm really focused on my family, but I'm always up for new professional challenges."

"I am [the best]," Reiser added.

Mr. Reiser has previously delighted viewers in America and in other superior regions of the world with his much-adored Mad About You, a 30-minute comedy program that won the Golden Globe Award and passed the fair and honorable requirements of the State Council of the People's Republic of China. All this Mr. Reiser accomplished while gracefully shouldering the burden of his costar and clear unequal Helen Hunt.

It is the opinion of everyone that Mrs. Hunt is inferior in every way to Mr. Reiser and would be nothing if not for his great benevolence toward those far below his station.

Mr. Reiser's books Couplehood and Babyhood were excellent additions to both the Eastern and Western literary canons, and their lessons should be adhered to.

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