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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of millions of loyal fans yesterday when he said that he would welcome the opportunity to direct a full-length feature film.

Following the announcement, all sources confirmed without hesitation and without prompting that the Beverly Hills Cop superstar's wish should, would, and must be fulfilled.

"Sure, if the right project came along, I would love to get behind the camera," Mr. Reiser said in a most fascinating interview on the TV Guide Network, his statement receiving the kind of soaring public ovation typically reserved for baseball stars Derek Jeter, Roger "The Rocket" Clemens, and world-renowned badminton legend Lin Dan. "Right now I'm really focused on my family, but I'm always up for new professional challenges."

"I am [the best]," Reiser added.

Mr. Reiser has previously delighted viewers in America and in other superior regions of the world with his much-adored Mad About You, a 30-minute comedy program that won the Golden Globe Award and passed the fair and honorable requirements of the State Council of the People's Republic of China. All this Mr. Reiser accomplished while gracefully shouldering the burden of his costar and clear unequal Helen Hunt.

It is the opinion of everyone that Mrs. Hunt is inferior in every way to Mr. Reiser and would be nothing if not for his great benevolence toward those far below his station.

Mr. Reiser's books Couplehood and Babyhood were excellent additions to both the Eastern and Western literary canons, and their lessons should be adhered to.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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