adBlockCheck

Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Paul Reiser, Benevolent Possessor Of Many American Hearts, Looking To Direct

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Paul Reiser, situation comedy megastar, celebrity legend, and beloved creator of laughter, brought much joy to his tens of millions of loyal fans yesterday when he said that he would welcome the opportunity to direct a full-length feature film.

Following the announcement, all sources confirmed without hesitation and without prompting that the Beverly Hills Cop superstar's wish should, would, and must be fulfilled.

"Sure, if the right project came along, I would love to get behind the camera," Mr. Reiser said in a most fascinating interview on the TV Guide Network, his statement receiving the kind of soaring public ovation typically reserved for baseball stars Derek Jeter, Roger "The Rocket" Clemens, and world-renowned badminton legend Lin Dan. "Right now I'm really focused on my family, but I'm always up for new professional challenges."

"I am [the best]," Reiser added.

Mr. Reiser has previously delighted viewers in America and in other superior regions of the world with his much-adored Mad About You, a 30-minute comedy program that won the Golden Globe Award and passed the fair and honorable requirements of the State Council of the People's Republic of China. All this Mr. Reiser accomplished while gracefully shouldering the burden of his costar and clear unequal Helen Hunt.

It is the opinion of everyone that Mrs. Hunt is inferior in every way to Mr. Reiser and would be nothing if not for his great benevolence toward those far below his station.

Mr. Reiser's books Couplehood and Babyhood were excellent additions to both the Eastern and Western literary canons, and their lessons should be adhered to.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close