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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Paul Ryan Cuts $120 Million In Wasteful Spending From Romney Campaign

WASHINGTON—Back on the campaign trail this weekend following the Republican National Convention, vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan recommended more than $120 million in cuts to what he called the "excessive, wasteful, and frankly irresponsible" amount of money being spent to elect Mitt Romney. "We're looking at upwards of $15,000 a day on hotel and restaurant expenses alone—there are any number things we need to just slash and hack here," Ryan told reporters Sunday, pointing to a bar graph outlining the budgets of the Romney campaign, the Republican Party, and various friendly super PACs. "This kind of runaway spending is unsustainable and has no place in our political system." Ryan added that while normally he is only in favor of austerity measures for the poor and middle class, Romney's election funding was simply ridiculous.

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