adBlockCheck

Politics

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Paul Ryan Discovers Half-Finished Escape Tunnel Leading Out Of Speaker’s Office

WASHINGTON—Moving a 19th-century armchair away from the mahogany-paneled wall as he rearranged his new office Wednesday, recently elected House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly stumbled upon a half-finished escape tunnel leading out of the Speaker’s chambers. “Oh, man, look at this thing—it must go back 100 feet!” said Ryan, who found the makeshift passageway strewn with numerous worn-down Montblanc fountain pens that had apparently been used to chip away at the plaster wall, the marble and brick of the Capitol building’s foundation, and the packed earth beyond. “Looks like he was digging away from Capitol Hill and toward the Amtrak station. God, he must have spent years on this.” At press time, a startled Ryan was said to be shrieking loudly after opening his office’s Lincoln-era cherry armoire and finding himself eye-to-eye with a homemade, business-suit-clad dummy that his predecessor had intended to prop up behind his desk to provide sufficient cover when making a getaway.


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close