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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles

WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles. “She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time,” said Ryan during a morning run around the Tidal Basin, adding that the woman’s stamina was particularly impressive considering she had sustained a steady chant of “Do your job!” since she caught up with the Wisconsin Republican alongside the Jefferson Memorial more than an hour earlier. “I honestly thought she would have lost steam on lap three and given up, but her endurance and aerobic capacity are absolutely incredible. She hasn’t lowered her sign even once. I wonder what kind of regimen she’s on.” After a quick cooldown, Ryan told reporters the protester’s energy had been particularly helpful in preparing him for an upcoming triathlon, and he hoped the woman would be back again at 6 a.m. tomorrow to take him to task for having no viable Obamacare alternative.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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