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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles

WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles. “She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time,” said Ryan during a morning run around the Tidal Basin, adding that the woman’s stamina was particularly impressive considering she had sustained a steady chant of “Do your job!” since she caught up with the Wisconsin Republican alongside the Jefferson Memorial more than an hour earlier. “I honestly thought she would have lost steam on lap three and given up, but her endurance and aerobic capacity are absolutely incredible. She hasn’t lowered her sign even once. I wonder what kind of regimen she’s on.” After a quick cooldown, Ryan told reporters the protester’s energy had been particularly helpful in preparing him for an upcoming triathlon, and he hoped the woman would be back again at 6 a.m. tomorrow to take him to task for having no viable Obamacare alternative.

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