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A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Paul Ryan Knocked Over By Pack Of Rambunctious Romney Boys

BELMONT, MA—Visiting the home of running mate Mitt Romney today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) was reportedly knocked to the floor by a pack of rambunctious, wet-nosed Romney boys, all five of whom jumped onto the vice presidential candidate as soon as he entered the door and sniffed him from head to toe.

Sources said the Romney boys—Tagg, Craig, Matt, Ben, and Josh—spent nearly three minutes eagerly licking the congressman’s face and slobbering all over his jacket before their father, Mitt, grabbed them by their shirt collars and pulled them off, telling Ryan, “They always get a little excited when we have visitors.”

“As soon as I rang the doorbell they came running right up to the door,” said Ryan, noting that the oldest one, Tagg, got so excited he urinated on the family’s rug. “Mitt told them to get in the living room, and they were fine after that. I think they just don’t know their own strength.”

“By the end of the day, I was scratching Ben’s belly like he was my best friend,” Ryan added.

Ryan said that throughout his tour of the residence, the energetic Romney boys darted around hallways and rooms, often tumbling over one another and rolling on the floor while playfully biting each other’s necks and legs. At one point, Josh Romney reportedly entered the home’s foyer sopping with mud and dropped a frog right near Ryan’s foot.

“I think he wanted me to throw it,” Ryan said. “He kept pawing at me with the frog in his mouth.”

According to reports, when the family sat down for dinner the boys repeatedly attempted to jump up on the dining table and eat Ryan’s plate of meatloaf, after which Mitt pulled out five raw steaks from the freezer and threw them into the backyard, quickly sending the drooling brothers bursting through the door and scampering outside.

“They’re as dumb as posts, but they’re such sweethearts,” Ann Romney later told reporters, picking burrs out of an exhausted Craig Romney’s hair as Matt and Josh sleepily tugged at a blanket. “Sometimes they can be a handful when they get excited, but they usually end up playing outside for a few hours and conk right out afterwards.”

“But my goodness, the way they eat,” she added. “We probably go through four bags of pig ears a day.”

Saying they can’t leave the boys at home or “they’ll tear up all the furniture,” Mitt and Ann have reportedly brought the boys everywhere on the campaign trail, even creating special enclosed outdoor areas at various Romney 2012 offices to let the boys “get some fresh air and run around a little.”

“Our campaign bus is forced to stop fairly often so the boys can relieve themselves, and of course once they’re outside sniffing around it’s usually pretty hard to get them to clamber back on board,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “As challenging as they can be sometimes, there really is nothing cuter than when the boys all stick their heads out of the bus windows with their tongues hanging out.”

As the wild Romney boys track mud through campaign rallies, bite Democratic donors, and—as they have on at least two occasions—howl through their father’s speeches, not everyone back home misses the pack of brothers.

“I, for one, am glad those damned Romney boys are gone,” said the family’s neighbor Chet Tarver. “Every other night they get into the trash cans. Hell, one night the little guy, Josh, even came pawing at my door smelling to high heaven after he got sprayed by a skunk. They’re a nuisance.”

“I’ve told Mitt a hundred times, ‘You need to train your boys better—they’re out of control,’ but he just sort of laughs it off,” Tarver added. “Just because they’re adorable as all get out doesn’t mean they can go totally undisciplined.”

Sources close to the Romney family confirmed that despite the five sons being notoriously rambunctious, the boys have all noticeably calmed down since their 2006 neuterings.

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